Name: Shadow 6000 “Saucamole” trainers.
Appearance: Well butters.
Beg your pardon? Pants, sucky, woeful, horribad.
Why so? The upper is constructed of snot-coloured leather atop a hairy suede brown layer to simulate the millennial’s favourite breakfast, which is …
Hold on, I know this. Tears in quinoa? No.
Carpaccio of student debt? No.
Brexit banana? ’Fraid not.
Disappointment gruel garnished with sad granola? Give you a clue. Begins with “A”.
Avocado on toast? There you go. If you’re a hypebeast with $140 (£108) burning a hole in your pocket, they’re the zyzzyva.
Sorry? The last word.
Very clever. The shoe even features an avocado-shaped logo on the tongue. And it has green mesh with a red accent that is, fashionistas say “the perfect wink to the red chilli flakes that really pull a good avo toast together”.
Are they edible? Yes. If you eat suede, leather and white sole.
The sole’s not made of fish, is it? No.
But look here. Real avocado toast got me through Veganuary, whereas these shoes feature cow hide which, last time I looked, isn’t vegan at all. That could be a flaw in the business model. Who manufactures this revolution in footwear aesthetics? The US running shoe firm Saucony, which has previous in breakfast-themed footwear. Last year it released a Dunkin’ Donuts range of shoes with sprinkles, hot and iced coffee hues, on a pink frosted base, to celebrate the Boston Marathon.
What other novelty shoes has Saucony made? Lobster-themed trainers, which were orange. Pumpkin latte-themed trainers, which were pumpkin-coloured. In 2015, Saucony released a line of Irish coffee trainers that had a dark coffee colour, a honey-coloured whiskey layer and a thick layer of white cream.
Is Irish coffee the new breakfast health drink? Only if being drunk in possession of furred arteries before 8am is healthy.
Whatever next? The Shadow 20,000 “Mumfordandruns”, which have hairy uppers simulating an alt.folk beard, plus yellow soles threaded with blue veins evoking artisanal stilton cheese. And for the ladies, Saucony has teamed up with Christian Louboutin to bring you high-heeled sneakers so vertiginous, you’ll never get to make your Fitbit buzz again. Not forgetting the British version of the Saucamole, colour-coded to represent my favourite breakfast: last night’s mushy peas and chips, hot from the microwave.
You made up those last three, didn’t you? Sorry.
Don’t say: “Finally! Trainers that actually give me the runs.”
Do say: “Finally! Trainers that, for some reason, tell the world what I like for breakfast.”