Fashion Brief
How shall I dress now that we live under a Tory government?
The entire country
What a dark and extended night of the soul the past few days have been for liberals in this country and, far more importantly, what a dark time for everyone’s wardrobes. It’s been 18 years since this country last had a Tory government and much has altered since then: Puff Daddy has changed his name about five times, Princess Diana is now called Kate Middleton and – most shockingly – Liam Gallagher likes Blur. Truly, as another face from 1997, Ronan Keating, would say, life is a rollercoaster. And nothing – literally NOTHING, not even light – moves faster than fashion. So, surely, styles have changed much since the Tories were last commanders-in-chief of this sceptered isle?
Well, like Puff Daddy / P Diddy / Diddy / Puff Daddy, things have a strange tendency to come full circle when it comes to the 90s. The 90s are, of course, having what is called “a fashion moment”, with plaited hair, cropped tops and DMs all making a return to style pages. But such literal retro-ness doesn’t feel quite right for what is, for me, Tory Government Part Two in my lifetime. Indeed, to dress the same for this lot of Tories as the last one is to make the same mistake as the ridiculous protester who this weekend painted “Fuck Tory scum” on a second-world-war memorial for women. First, vandalising a monument for women? Really sticking it to the man there. And second, “Tory scum”? Seriously? What is this, 1987? If you’re going to protest, at least update your references.
So what to wear for this new Tory government? Well, seeing as you’re reading this in the Guardian, I imagine you’re wearing widow’s weeds, and that is understandable. After all, it’s hard not to feel at least a twinge of utter despair at seeing Cameron’s cabinet, which appears to have been constructed more with a sense of irony than any actual thought. Michael Gove for justice secretary, the man who once argued for the death penalty, and compared the Stephen Lawrence inquiry to McCarthyism? What yuks. John Whittingdale for culture secretary, who has said the licence fee is “worse than the poll tax” and has voted strongly against equal gay rights? The ridiculous Nicky Morgan, who voted against gay marriage, still in place as equalities minister? Oh, Mr Cameron, you are a card.
And yet, given all that, I personally have little truck with the kind of kneejerk partisan screeching that bedevils so much political commentary on both sides in this country. The fact is, very nearly half the UK voted Conservative or Ukip and, as much as that might make faithful Guardian readers recoil, it strikes me that dismissing this half of the population as evil or stupid is, quite frankly, as blinkered as the worst of the right wing’s attitude to softie liberals. The fact is that not everyone thinks the same as you, and to affect shock at this, or assume others are ashamed of their views (“shy Tories” indeed), strongly suggests you really need to talk to more people and get off the echo chamber that is Twitter. It is the conversational equivalent of spray painting “Tory scum” on war monuments.
As Chris Rock (pause for brief prostration at the altar of Rock) says in his standup routine, “Anyone who makes up their mind before they hear the issue is a fucking fool. Everybody is so busy wanting to be down with a gang: I’m a conservative! I’m a liberal! I’m a conservative! It’s bullshit – be a fucking person. Listen. Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal decent person is one thing, OK?” And once you listen to the issues, then you can decide, equipped as you then are with facts instead of emotions, if John Whittingdale is about as suited to the post of culture secretary as a turnip.
Which brings us back to dressing for the new Tory government: it needs to be done with subtlety, not heavy-handed stereotypes. As ridiculous as it is that leaders’ wives are so scrutinised by the media merely because of who they happened to marry, the fact is that Samantha Cameron exemplifies the Tory Mark II look in that she – rather like Kate Middleton, for that matter – has the modern Sloane look down to a T. Forget the pie-crust collars and shoulder pads of the 80s, the modern Sloane now wears safely feminine dresses that show a gentle interest in fashion, but only fashion that makes them look slim and pretty. The dress that she wore on Friday exemplifies her approach. It’s by Preen, a faintly but not very edgy British label. But where the dress was originally shown loose, like a tunic, a shape fashion people love because they think oversized clothes make them look even more thin and frail, Sam Cam, a Sloane to the bone, knows that being flattered is far more important than being fashionable. So she belted that sucker up as tight as possible around her tiny waist. Look also to the Middleton sisters, who have also exemplified this new Tory style for some time. Sure, they occasionally wear Alexander McQueen, but never anything to scare the horses. Such is their Sloaniness they manage to make McQueen look like LK Bennett.
So that’s how you dress Tory: you take something fun and fabulous and make it staid and dull, awful for the masses but appealing to rich people. See? Tory scum just doesn’t cover it any more, even for Guardian readers. We now live in the era of Tory Twee.
Post your questions to Hadley Freeman, Ask Hadley, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Email ask. hadley@theguardian.com.
