Name: Victoria Beckham’s caviar facial.
Appearance: Younger, less heavy.
A facial that makes you lose weight? Yes. When it’s over, you’re £1,100 lighter.
Are you saying that Victoria Beckham pays that much to have someone smear caviar on her face? It is described as a “caviar sheet mask”, but, essentially, yes.
Does she at least eat it afterwards? I don’t think so.
What a waste. What a shocking, shocking waste. It’s not just about the caviar. Posh opts for the full “legacy” treatment, by dermatologist-to-the-stars Dr Harold Lancer, which also includes oxygen therapy, an eye mask made from crushed pearls and stem cell injections. It is known as the foetus facial.
I’m not sure I like where this is going. Relax. It’s just called that because it leaves your skin looking “as fresh as a newborn’s”.
A newborn is not a foetus. Stop being so literal. It just means you look young.
I suppose if you’ve got loads of money and having fish eggs rubbed on your face is your idea of being pampered … This has nothing to do with pampering. This is about commitment.
Commitment to a facial? “Victoria doesn’t just sporadically do something,” says Lancer. “She follows a programme with the same determination as an Olympic athlete.”
Who is she competing against? Lancer’s other clients include Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez and Renée Zellweger, but Beckham is at the top of her game. “She’s one of the most regimented A-listers I see,” he says.
Can I, a non-regimented civilian, approximate the same age-erasing effects? There is a home version of the legacy treatment on offer for a mere £750.
OK, so no. Alternatively, you can pick up a jar of Lancer’s Caviar Lime Acid Peel for about £90.
I’ve changed my mind. Or you can buy a caviar sheet mask from Superdrug for £3.99.
I can? They’re actually pretty widely available, in a broad range of prices.
Can worldwide caviar stocks support this insatiable demand? Wild beluga sturgeon is already critically endangered. Almost all caviar is farmed these days.
I wouldn’t have anything but sustainably sourced caviar on my face. Also, most sheet masks contain “caviar extract”, which can be as dilute as 1g of caviar per litre of water. A little goes a long way.
Do say: “My dear, who is your dermatologist? You look as wrinkly and purple as a newborn babe!”
Don’t say: “No, it’s not a facial. I just got drunk and passed out in my dinner.”