The ‘tache crash: is Movember over?

Name: Movember.

Age: 16.

Appearance: Ratty and threadbare, like that dribble of bumfluff you grew when you were 14 because you thought it would get you served in pubs.

Right, it’s November. Aren’t we usually swarming with moustaches by now? Usually, but Movember is in decline.

Is it? The facts speak for themselves. Last year’s UK Movember raised almost £3m less than it did the previous year, and the lack of proto-taches on social media suggests it will be even less than that this time around.

This is a tragedy. I love facial hair. Well, just look outside then. This is the UK in 2015. Every single man in the entire country is either walking around with a stupid beard or a stupid moustache slathered across his stupid face.

Really? Some charity or other must be absolutely coining it in. Nope. These are voluntarily grown beards and moustaches. The poor fools actually think it makes them look better. Imagine!

That’s a shame. I’ve got all this charity money, and it’s burning a hole in my pocket. Don’t worry. The market is saturated with good causes asking us to endorse the vanity of our friends. Next month, why not sponsor someone to grow a beard for Decembeard?

Sorry, that isn’t a laboured enough pun for me. Well, how about Stoptober? Or Veganuary? Or Dressember?

Dressember? What’s that? You know all those dresses you own? If you wear them a lot in December, people can sponsor you for it.

Oh God. I know, I know, it’s awful. They’re all awful, but they raise a lot of money for good causes. Even this year, Movember UK has already raised more than £1m.

Then there should be more of these months. There should! How about Papril, where you spend an entire month dressed as the Pope? What about Floor-Mouse, where you spend all of August crawling around on the floor like a little mouse? “Floor-Mouse” sounds like “August”, right?

Stop this now. No, wait, I’ve got it: Jewly!

Do say: “It’s not too late to take part in Movember 2015.”

Don’t say: “Alternatively, why not get a headstart on Bumuary 2016 by getting sponsored to cut the arse out of all your trousers?”